Short Fat Hairy Legs

I was ordering a couple of new shirts online and a pair of cheap trainers - so I took the opportunity to order a pair of shorts too. Not shorts you'd wear for sports, more the sort of casual fashion ones a surfer might wear on a day to day basis. God I've got ugly legs.

I tried them on at home (they are sort of navy blue if you want a full picture and I was wearing a plain, grey t-shirt at the time). They came to just below the knee (as they were supposed to) and I even remembered to take off my socks. Nothing worse than a pair of shorts with a couple of black socks lurking underneath.

I then took a deep breath and looked at myself in the mirror. I didn't know whether to burst into tears or laughter. Sticking out of the bottom of the legwear were two tree stumps. Chunky all the way down until the ankles when they suddenly got thinner (I never knew I had skinny ankles). Pasty white as they had never seen the sun since 1984 and dotted with red spots. I never realised how many red marks my legs had until I thrust them into a pair of shorts.

On top of all this there is the remains of my mosquito bites from my last Malta trip. Large, dark scabs surrounded by regions of purple. The kind of thing you see when Patrick Moore is showing pictures of the surface of Mars on The Sky at Night.

....It's going to be a LONG time before I buy the sandals!