I'll Never Get Into Heaven Now

Oh the shame of it all. The sense of guilt. The overwhelming surge of remorse....

I cheated in a pub quiz last night.

I don't know what came over me. Was it the red mist as I stared potential defeat in the face? Was it the alcohol infused with a lack of sleep? Or perhaps it was the incentive of taking home bottles of beer that caused me to push myself too far.

It's the quiz we've been going to as a group of workmates for a few weeks now. Sunday nights, a little pub about 15 minutes walk from home. Nice atmosphere and the quizmaster is quite funny (especially after his 8th or 9th gin & tonic).

Ok, let me explain how the quiz works, and especially the marking process and rules of the last round. The last round is called 'Wipeout'. 10 general knowledge questions worth 1 point each. If you get all 10 corect you score an extra 5 points...BUT... if you attempt a question and get it wrong you score nothing for the whole round. Understand? So if you want big points you have to take a few chances, but if you want to play safe you can just answer a few of them and pick up a handful of points.

The marking is quite clever. The sheets you write on have a carbon copy underneath which you can seperate at the end of the whole quiz and hand in. You then mark the main paper yourself and then take that up too. The idea is, you can't change answers or cross things out because the quizmaster has the carbon copy to prove what you originally submitted.

Are you with me so far?

So, last night we hadn't had the best of early rounds, but the pub was quiet so there was a good chance of us winning anyway (or at least being in with a shout). The Wipeout round was going ok. We had left a couple out, so we weren't going for the 5 bonus, but 7 or 8 correct would be a nice points haul.

"Question 9. In which TV pub would you find beers brewed by Luxford & Copley?"

I had with me a 21 year old who doesn't watch soaps and a 22 year old German who didn't understand the question. My logic went as follows:

"Well for the pub to be famous it must be from a soap opera, and it can't be Coronation Street because that's Newton & Ridley. It can't be Eastenders because I've seen the logo for that brewery and it's like the opening credits. I think it's just called Thames brewery. Which just leaves us with The Woolpack from Emmerdale"

Not only was I forgetting other soaps and dramas such as Hollyoaks, Heartbeat, The Bill etc, but I was so convincing in my arguement that not one of us disagreed with my logic. We went with The Woolpack.

Skip forward to the marking:

"Question 9 is The Queen Vic. Question 10..."

Oops. a whole round of points wiped out. Luxford & Copley IS the ficticious brewery with the river Thames as a logo. We're doomed and it's all my fault. But the quizmaster is also onto his 9th gin of the night. Hmmm, an idea is forming in my devious mind.

We pretended we hadn't noticed we'd got it wrong. We didn't change the paper, we didn't cross it out or make any other marks, we just gave ourselves points for the other correct answers in the round and kept our fingers crossed.

...and he never checked our paper. Of course if he had we would have just apologised and pleaded drunken marking was going on, but there was no need. We had won. We had cheated our way to 7 points we didn't deserve. We left with a crate of beer and sheepish smiles. Our winning margin?....

2 points.