The Maltese Adventure: Rules of the Road

Thought I would pass on the rules of motoring for anyone who plans on hiring a car whilst on holiday here.

1. Parking. Parking bays across the island come in three official forms. White boxes are available for free to anyone, 24 hours a day. Yellow boxes are free to permit holders only. Green boxes are free to anyone, but have a time limit. A nearby sign will indicate the length of stay permitted.

In reality you can park where you like as long as you stick your hazard warning lights on. This can mean double parking, blocking a complete carriageway or road, on corners or pedestrian crossings etc. As long as it's convenient to you, just stop your engine, put on your flashing lights and leave it.

2. Road markings. At junctions there may be a solid white line in front of you and the word STOP. This is not to be taken literally. The correct procedure in Malta is to tear up to this line at break neck speed, hang the nose of your car so far out it blocks the traffic and then just keep going.

3. Horns. The horn of your car should be used liberally. Particularly in built up areas at unsociable times. If you find yourself caught up in a traffic jam (because someone has decided to block the road by parking with their hazard lights on), honking your horn continually is bound to make things move faster. No one in nearby hotels will mind.

4. Buses. Malta has an extremely cheap and efficient bus service. Despite the fact they all look like they were made in the 1940's buses run every 10 minutes and most journeys are about 50cents. Bus drivers however are the most reckless people on the road. If they wish to get somewhere they will, regardless of who is in their way.

5. Indicators. Indicators are only fitted to Maltese cars for the purpose of hazard lights (see point 1 above). Under no circumstances should you tell people if you are turning off the road, or which exit of a round-a-bout you are planning to take.

6. Swerving. If the car in front appears to be driving a little erratically, chances are he is not drunk. He is swerving to avoid the potholes in the road. Use this as a pre-warning that you will also need to make dramatic directional changes.

7. Petrol. In the UK petrol stations prefer payment by card, and are sometimes reluctant to handle large sums of cash due to potential robberies. In Malta, petrol stations have never heard of credit cards and will demand payment in cash.

8. Overtaking. Overtaking in Malta is permissable on either side of the vehicle in front. Even if there does not appear to be enough room to pass, you should still edge your nose down the side of his car in the hope of nudging him off the road. If all else fails you might nudge him into a pothole.

9. Pedestrians. Pedestrians in Malta are well catered for. They have an offical crossing every 100 metres, some of them zebra style, some pelican. Do not expect pedestrians to use them though, they will happily step out at anytime and expect you to test your brakes for them.

10. Directions. Many motorists will find themselves lost in Malta. If you arrive at a busy junction and don't know which way to turn, the correct procedure is simply to stop, put on your hand-brake and consult your map. The traffic building up behind will be happy to wait, although they might wish to say hello through the voice of their horn (see point 3)