Freud Would be Proud

I've been dwelling on my life and future recently, something I do every so often. I've come to some conclusions.

Firstly (and probably most obvious) I have an addictive personality. If I start something I have to take it to extremes. Drinking and gambling are the obvious examples from my past, but even in my present life I can see I find it hard to just settle for 'doing' something. I need to attempt to excel at it, even if it leads to failure.

Secondly, I am so shy. Now anyone who has met me will laugh at that statement and tell me I'm lying, but I am. Yes I've been on stage, yes I've been on TV, yes I've sang a million times at kareoke....BUT.... in all those cases I'm not being me. I'm acting, or pretending. As soon as I'm forced to be Geoff Gibson I fall into an abyss of low self image and curl up into a metophorical ball. Ask me to pretend to be something else and I'll happily do it in front of a crowd of millions. Ask me to be Geoff and I'd have trouble if the audience could be counted on the fingers of one hand....

Which leads me to Malta. I'm not looking forward to it. I know I can train them, I know I'm good at what I do, but I'm not a traveller. My previous holidays have been to 'comfort zone' places, Norfolk, Vegas etc. It helps that it's an English speaking country, but I'm still stepping outside my usual target area.

I mentioned to a colleague recently that I was shy, and she laughed in my face. I really think I hide behind a facade. I'm supposed to be management, but right now I couldn't manage a pea soup in a brewery's kitchen.

Oh well, I'm still going, and I'll still train them and I'll survive the experience. Just wish I could get over the fear I have in advance.

Then again, I get a nervous fear every time I get the train back to Manchester, I worry about how busy it'll be, will I get someone next to me, will I get to my reserved seat, will the toilet be available....

...I'm such a worry wart!