Sleepless Nights

It's getting out of hand. I really can't sleep anymore. I am tired to the bone, but if I lie in my bed and drift off, I know I'll be awake within 20 minutes.

I want to blame it on the noisy bed. In some ways, I suppose I can, because I've got this pre-conceived notion in my head that if I turn in my sleep I'll wake the entire apartment block....

....but that's bollocks (sorry for swearing Mum)

My brain just won't shut down. I haven't found my comfort zone here. Every night I lie awake thinking of a million different thoughts, ideas, people, problems, issues - you name it.

I thought having no sleep wouldn't matter - after all, I managed for nearly 12 months doing two full time jobs, but it's not true. I can't do it anymore. I turned up to work today at 7am, and I haven't woken up for the whole day. I've been on auto-pilot for the entire shift. It's now approaching 11pm but I've no idea what mistakes are going to emerge over the next few days that I created today.

I'm going home now, but all that is on my mind is the bad weekend my friend has had, and I don't know the details. I know it's not my issue, I know I shouldn't care, but I also know it's going to play on my mind tonight. I worry about people. I care about others far more than I worry about myself.

I can't take a pill to sleep, because I'll worry I'll go through my alarm and be late for work. I'm having those horrible feelings again that Southampton was the biggest mistake I ever made. My bridges are burnt, so there's no turning back, but it might keep me awake for a long, long time.

I need a reason to be here. I need a reason to wake up in the morning. Work isn't going to do that.

I have no reason to wake up.

....maybe that's why I'm afraid to go to sleep.