Definition of an Idiot Part V

The final time I'll use that title. After this, any occasion where I prove myself to be of a lower IQ than normal, I will be retitled 'an ejeet'. It's a much more gentle, and comical phrase. I have defined myself as an idiot for the last time and nothing I can ever do in the future will ever out do this.

For the past 4 months I think I have been taken for a ride by Sarah.

I think back to past text messages, online messages, emails, phone conversations, face to face chats and wonder where the lies started. Perhaps it was only recently, perhaps it's been all along. All I know is, whenever her attitude towards me and our 'future' changed for the worse, I was definately the last person to know.

I feel so stupid. I've opened myself up. Beared my soul and heart. Commited myself to a future that was a complete change of direction for me, but at the same time I thought it was going to be a wonderful journey. That future is now gone and I'm back to square one. Floating in a limbo wilderness with absolutely no direction or purpose at all.

Do you know the most gauling part of all this? The part I find the hardest to comprehend? I still love her. I feel no hatred towards her whatsoever. I'm frustrated, I'm hurting like hell, but I sincerely don't hate her. I still wish her complete happiness, and similarly for Caoimhe. While I was still living in happy ignorance I had three of the happiest months of my recent life. If she was in front of me right now, there would be no words, just a very big hug. It's not supposed to be like that.

...and that's why I'm an idiot.

p.s. Found these two quotations. Thought they were quite apt.

Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's better to leave them broken than hurt yourself trying to put it back together

When love is lost, do not bow your head in sadness; instead keep your head up high and gaze into heaven, for that is where your broken heart has been sent to heal.