Back to Square One

It's all starting again. I don't know why but it feels like my life is on a slippery slope downwards.

I can't put my finger on what it is, but there is something fundamental that is dragging me backwards. I have that sensation that the light at the end of the tunnel has dimmed, and everything I do is ultimately pointless.

I'm having real trouble getting more than an hours sleep. I've started drinking unsocialably again. I hardly eat, and when I do it's usually something unsuitable. My psoriasis is back on my scalp - a sure sign I'm stressed about something.

What's really bugging me is I can't work out why this is happening. It's not money. I get paid this week, and I still have money left in my account. It's not my love life. I hate being apart from Sarah, but at least she is there for me. Last time I was this depressed I was completely alone. It's not that there is nothing to look forward to. I have Sarah and Caoimhe coming to visit in two weeks, then the boys for two race meetings, and the little Norfolk holiday of course.

It's having a knock-on effect too. I've started making fundamental errors at work. Some I've spotted myself and corrected, but others have been found by customers and staff in Germany. There is only so long the bosses are going to put up with me just saying 'sorry'. I usally take great pride in my high level of accuracy, but right now my work rate is shockingly low and of poor quality.

I'm also in a catch-22 situation with the lack of sleep. When I get into work at 7am I end up drinking American cola drinks for the high levels of caffeine. If I didn't I wouldn't make it through the morning. Trouble is, it's still in my system when it comes to night-time - it keeps me awake and I'm back to square one.

....I just want a dark corner I can curl up in and hide from the world.