If the Unthinkable Happens...

Ok, firstly I am in a good frame of mind at the moment. I'm out of limbo (probably because the football game I went to resulted in me winning £90 !!). Remember that, I am in a GOOD frame of mind.

We are all conscious of our own mortality from time to time. Not sure why my own mortality came into my head today, but it did. With that in mind here are my funeral instructions to anyone reading this who might be involved in organising it! (Remember, I am currently of sound mind, and upbeat ok? )

Firstly, I've debated this several times, but I think I'd prefer to be cremated. In some ways it would be nice if I could have a tombstone with something profound engraved on it, but I am so petrified of accidently being buried alive! At least if I am 'accidently alive', cremation will see me off! It would be nice if there was a plaque somewhere with a profound message on it. I'll come back to that.

Ashes are traditionally scattered somewhere appropriate. I'm not sure Steve would be happy having them scattered in the Outback, and I don't fancy being scattered into the sea off the Isle of Man either (I'm not going to fight against all those used condoms and sewage). The other place I would have liked to retire to would be the Norfolk Broads, so I think I'd like to be scattered there. Perhaps in the water outside the Swan Inn in Horning (there's a sharp bend in the river there, very picturesque)

Ok, the service. Yes I've picked out a couple of tunes to play, and I think even my Mum would approve. To bring me into the church (or crematorium), Adagio for Strings by Samuel Barber. Here is a lovely version of it:



Well that's a choir version (it's supposed to be performed by a string quartet, but it's lovely done chorally)

To leave the crematorium, Wish you Were Here by Pink Floyd. I can hear Dad tutting from here when I said that, but it really is a lovely piece of music, mainly instrumental but with some wonderful lyrics:



For the rest of the service, all I ask is that it's light hearted. I want readings that start "I remember when Geoff..." not "We'll miss Geoff because...". I want there to be smiles and chuckles from the congregation, not tears. I do like the poem If by Rudyard Kipling if you want something specific to read out.

Assuming there's a wake afterwards (well, it's not an assumption, it's compulsory), anyone drinking lager has to put lime in it. That's an order. And there should be kareoke. No party in my honour would be complete without a sing-a-long.

And finally, I nominate Jackie to be my porn buddie. All that means is, the moment she hears I've passed away, she has to get to wherever I'm living before anyone else and remove anything she thinks I wouldn't want my parents to find! :o)

Back to the plaque. I think it should be a round one, with one radius marked on it and a nice definition of the area and circumference of the plaque itself etched in the centre. Might as well be remembered as the loveable geek I am! :o)

There you go. Rest assured, I'm not planning on leaving just yet, but it's better to plan ahead when I'm in an upbeat mood, rather than leave it to chance.