Definition of an Eejit Part XIII

Blimey, there must have been more than 13 times that I've proved myself to be a few Smarties short of a tube? Oh well, here's the story of number 13 anyway, and it's back to the kitchen...

It was late last night. I had wanted to go to bed a bit earlier to see if I could actually get some sleep for once, but the landlord was coming round to have a look at the lock on the balcony door. By the time he left (the lock still not fixed) it was past 10 o'clock, but it was only then I realised I hadn't eaten all day. I knew without looking that the food cupboards were almost bare, (well, except for about 9 litres of mineral water, 15 cans of imported Dutch beer and some Cheddar cheese) but I did have some pasta, pasta sauce and a tin of some kind of chilli paste...

...I have to break away here to relate the story of how I got the pasta, sauce and paste. Trust me, it is impotant.

I may have mentioned that I have a local supermarket nearby. That's fine if I'm doing a large amount of shopping, but it can be a bit of a chore if I just need one or two items. The walk there, the walk back, the mind-numbing slowness of the check-out queues, the pensioners blocking the aisles... not fun if all I need is some toilet roll. What I have done though is find smaller shops all around that can provide the items I need to buy on their own, so I don't need to make the journey to the larger store. I have somewhere I go to for my water, somewhere else I go to for beer. There is a chemist for toiletries and a kiosk if I want a hot pie or any other kind of quick snack. Get the idea? Of course I'm always on the look out for other shops in the local vicinity, it's amazing where some of them hide out.

On the road parrallel to mine, just round a slight bend I found a 'self service convenience store' (well that's what it said outside anyway). I popped my head in and it was exactly as I expected. A small store with one long aisle, divided into two sections by a central bank of shelves. Try to imagine Awkrights corner shop from 'Open all Hours' but on a bigger scale. The shelves were piled high with tins, packets, and jars seemingly in no sense of order. At the entrance to the store was the till, and behind that, a smiling woman, possibly of Middle Eastern origin. I smiled back and ventured in, not really knowing what I was looking for.

My intention was just to look around, work out what I could use this shop for on a regular basis, and then leave, but the way the shop was laid out meant as soon as I was in, I felt compelled to buy something. If I walked down the aisle, back up the other side and then just left I'd feel so guilty, soI searched frantically for something cheap but useful. Then I started to panic...

Every item, every jar, every tin had no english writing on it. I had wandered into a Halal supermarket. My eyes darted from one thing to the next, desperate to spot something I recognised, but I was having no luck. One tin had a cartoon cow on it, but did that mean it was processed meat, or tinned milk? I was stumped.

It was at this point that a young boy came running up to me, tugged on my shirt and thrust a basket into my hand. I thanked him, but that made me even more petrified that I had to buy something. How much worse would it be now if I walked past the till empty handed and passed the basket back to the shop owner? But my luck was about to change...

Right at the end of the shop was a spice rack. This I could work out. Garlic pepper, vindaloo curry powder, paprika - they are the same in any language. I'm sure I let out an audible sigh of relief. My luck kept improving. Next to the spices were a few dried good packets, one of which was tube shaped pasta. Who needs a label for pasta? I was on a roll. What's this next to the pasta? a row of jars with a red sauce inside and a picture of a plate of spaghetti on the front! It may not say Ragu on the side but I knew what this was too. Oh the joy! Could I find anything else? well look what we have here... a tiny tin with a ring pull on the top and pictures of chilli peppers on the side. chilli sauce perhaps? chopped chillies? who knows, but whatever it is it can be added to pasta sauce to give it a bit of zest. Selections made, goods bought, and home to put my prize purchases away for a rainy day.

(I haven't been back to that shop yet, and it's not really on my list, but I suppose if I need spices or pasta again it's as good a place as any. It was dirt cheap too!)

Back to last night. Landlord gone, I need something to eat but only thing I have is the pasta and sauce. (told you it was relevant!) Actually I'm lying there, I have a loaf in the freezer but I haven't found anywhere to buy more margarine yet. There is a chinese chicken stir-fry thing in there too. But tonight it was going to be a bowl of pasta and sauce for tea. Yes, I know having a plate of carbs just before going to bed is probably not the best thing if I'm looking for sleep, but since when did I do anything sensible?

Saucepan of water on, pasta in, starting to soften. All good so far. Pasta done, drained, sauce added, back on the heat to mix together (I had to phone my Dad about that bit. Please don't ask me why, but for some reason I just couldn't work out how to mix the sauce with the pasta. All I kept thinking was it wouldn't work because the saucepan was full of water. I really must have been in need of sleep!)

..and then I opened the tiny tin with the chillies on it. What was inside? a sort of red paste. Thicker than a sauce, reminded me a bit of poly-filler, just a different colour. I dipped my little finger in and tasted it. Hot, but yummy.... here comes the Eejit bit....

...because it was such a small can, I assumed it was a single portion serving. I added the entire contents of the tiny tin to the pasta/sauce mix, stirred a few times then dished up. Before I could take my mouthful, the small morsel I had tried moments before suddenly kicked in. My tongue was on fire and I hadn't even touched the pasta yet. I think the reason the tin was so small was because a little is meant to go a long long LONG way.

I drained half a litre of mineral water into my mouth and panted like a long-haired dog after a jog. I stared at the bowl of pasta and sauce I had just made and wondered if I should even chance it. Anyone who knows me well knows I like my heat. Jallapinos on every pizza, vindaloo curries if I dine out, West Indian red pepper sauce with my cheese on toast - you name it, I'll try it. This chilli paste though was something else....but I wasn't going to let it beat me.

....I ate the pasta. Granted it took me about 4 attempts, another two litres of water in total and a towel on stand-by to constantly wipe my forehead, but I finished it....

..and I'm going to be regretting it for the rest of today no doubt. But for eating an entire jar of chilli paste (and buying it in the first place when I couldn't read the serving instructions on the side) I am once again an eejit.